I don’t know about you, but I many times think about who I am intended by God to be.  The scripture tells us of how we were made in the image of God and shows us how far from that likeness that we have gone.  It speaks about how we have been pulled and twisted out of shape  since the fall and how we now through Christ are to be and are being renewed into that likeness.

I suspect that God is at work in my life and in yours, to conform us to His image, and that at some level we are to participate in that work. That there is to be a yielding on our part, to let go of all that is false and to pursue the “truth” of who we are before God and each other.

Obviously, we are not like the rest of creation, God has granted us a choice in the matter.  In his book  New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton writes the following:

“Our vocation is not simply to be, but to work together with God in the creation of our own life, our own identity,our own destiny.  We are free beings and sons of God. This means to say that we should not passively exist, but actively participate in His creative freedom, in our own lives, and in the lives of others, by choosing the truth.  to put it better, we are even called to share with God the work of creating the truth of our identity.  We can evade this responsibility by playing with masks, and this pleases us because it can appear at times to be a free and creative way of living.  It is quite easy, it seems to please everyone.  But in the long run the cost and the sorrow come very high.  To work out our own identity in God, which the Bible calls “working out our salvation,” is a labor that requires sacrifice and anguish, risk and many tears.  It demands close attention to reality at every moment, and great fidelity to God as He reveals Himself, obscurely, in the mystery of each new situation. We do not know clearly beforehand what the result of this work will be.  The secret of my full identity is hidden in Him.  He alone can make me who I am, or rather who I will be when at last I fully begin to be.  But unless I desire this identity and work with Him and in Him, the work will never be done.”

It takes not only yielding, but faith and trust in the one who created us.  For most of us this is an on again, off again proposition. But I know that in all of us, there is this desire to be fully who we are intended to be, and to be that fully present human being, living fully in the present and moving in hope towards our future with Him.

For years God has been moulding me a changing those distortions in me, how have you noticed that work in you?

Quote: Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, pgs. 34-35

     Often when we consider our spiritual journey it is as something personal or individual, it is something that is uniquely ours.  At some level this is true, we are working out our faith in fear and trembling, we wrestle with God, we walk with him or we run away on a daily basis, and it is about our own personal relationship with God.  So in one way our journey’s are unique to us.  But in many ways the journey is also a common one.

     God has placed us in and among others in the world, he puts us in community with others to love, challenge us, encourage us, and to cause us to grow.  Within our communities of faith, we as people struggle with many of the same things.  We have similar hurts, trials, and battles.  We all face that internal conflict within ourselves, with the Spirit of God as we learn to yield and grow in relationship with him.  As children of God, we are all traveling by the same narrow way or path.  We may be at different points on the way, but its obviously a very well worn path.

     Not only do we now travel as individuals in community with others, but we are following the way of many before us.  The path has been worn or made straight by all the saints that have gone on ahead of us.  By faith, by the Word of God, and by the example of others the path is set out before us. Even though we may at times have complete darkness, by faith we can feel our way home as the way is so deeply worn by all who have and are following it.

     The writer of Hebrews in chapter eleven speaks of those who are examples of faith, and in chapter twelve speaks of those as witnesses to our journey.  He writes,

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin  that clings so closely, and let us run the race with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God.  (Hebrews 12:1, NRSV)

     Today is the last in the series about discernment.  Though it is a personal experience, there are threads of the story that are common to all as we try to discern God’s leading in our lives.

     Jesus picks up Peter and together they continue to walk back to the boat through the wind and the waves.  Peter had little faith and cried out to the one who had commanded him to come on the water.  Jesus again then as they get into the boat reveals who he is by calming the wind and the waves.  How many times I have cried out in the storm when I am trying to follow Jesus and he encourages and causes my faith to grow by calming my life’s storms.  Not only is Peter encouraged, but when Jesus calms the storm and they see what Peter had been through with Jesus the disciples believe and worship Jesus as the son of God.  That has happened in my life as well, as others watch how I am walking by faith in the storm and how God provides for me in the situation.  My community believes and so do I.

     There are many parallels between my story and that of this one found in the gospels.  When I consider the differences, I have a relationship with Jesus that spans more than thirty years, Peter did not.  I have had time to deepen my faith in Jesus and understand him to be God.  At the time Peter did not, his expectations of the Messiah and of God certainly were different that that of mine.  My faith is perhaps built upon more that what Peter had at the time.  I have not just the Old and New Testament scriptures, but also the witness and testimony of the saints and believers throughout time, Including Peter’s testimony.  Obviously, our times and place are also different, but we have far more in common.  He made mistakes, Just as I continue to have lapses in my faith and make mistakes.  Peter continued to grow in his faith and love for Christ, just as I have.

     I relate very strongly to this story, as it was used to help move me from a place of being stuck and to encourage me to step out in faith.  God has done much in my life since those first steps out of the boat.  I continue to put one foot in front of the other and to walk by faith.  It is still about believing that Jesus is calling me and that I am coming towards him on the water and moving into what he would have me do at this time for him.  I still need to be attentive and open.  I still walk through the wind and the waves and when I doubt I cry out to the Lord and he reaches out and grabs me.  He picks me up and walks with me offering love and encouragement for the journey.

     Consider your experience of discernment, what parallels do you see?  How has God lead you on your journey?  Where do you need to step out of the boat?

Picture: Path to Relaxation by Muha

     Today is a continuation of my personal experience of discernment.  Perhaps you will find a similar thread to your own story.

     When I think of this story and how I came to discern and to follow this path, I can see some parallels between my story and the biblical story of Jesus and Peter walking on the water.  first of all, just like Peter and the rest of the disciples I have seen the work of Jesus in my life and the lives of others.  Peter had just witnessed the feeding of five thousand people with pretty much no resources of man.  God, Jesus provided it all.  Witnessing these things helps to encourage one’s faith.  In the story, the disciples are afraid and believe that Jesus is a ghost.  Jesus tells them not to be afraid.  Just as Peter had to believe that it was Jesus, I too had to recognize that it was Jesus also.  He tells them it is I.  Peter then says to Jesus if it’s you command me to come on the water to you.  Peter was willing to step out on faith.

     I too have been willing to step out in faith many times.  So Jesus commands him to come.  Peter believes it and steps out of the boat.  Peter stepped out and so did I. It was not an easy step for me and probably not an easy step for Peter, given the wind and the waves and what he knew of water, having worked on it most of his life.  For Peter, now it was about walking towards Jesus the one who commanded him.  For me after stepping out of the boat it also was about walking.  In the story Peter begins to falter, his faith is being tested by the storm.  He loses sight of the one who has called him. 

     Many times my faith is shaken and I too lose sight of Jesus.  In the beginning I shared about what I thought Jesus was asking me to do, and I faltered.  I quit and sank just like Peter did when he began to consider all else that was going on around him and lose sight of Jesus.  When I consider how that this time I continued to keep walking and to follow what I believe Jesus was asking me to do, the difference is I did  and now do what Peter did.  In the story, Peter begins to sink.  Many times that is the part that we key in on.  Peter was doubting and sinking.  But the storms are going to rage and Jesus knows that when he asks us to live and walk by faith.  Peter was losing sight of Jesus, but he cried out to him.  He says “Lord save me”.  Jesus then reaches out to him, grabs him and picks him back up. 

     Yes Peter is doubting but who does he reach out to, it’s Jesus.  Peter still has a little faith.  I too at times have great faith and at times my faith quotient is pretty low.  In the process of stepping out and going to school the wind and the waves continued to take their toll on my faith.  But the difference now was that I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept walking.  Not oblivious to the storms but by faith with Jesus going through them.  Crying out when I needed to and holding on to Jesus and what he asked me to do.

     What has Jesus aked of you?  How has your faith been strengthened by being faithful one small step at a time?

Picture: Path by Faeryan

     Today begins part two of my personal story of discernment.  My hope and prayer is that it will be an encouragement to you.

     So I began to work with a spiritual director and at the same time I applied for the Diploma in the Art of Spiritual Direction (DASD) program.  I was not accepted the first year I applied but I was encouraged to re-apply for the following year.  In the interim, believing that this was what God was calling me to do, I felt strongly that I should have a seminary education in addition to training in spiritual direction. 

     Still working with the coach and now under spiritual direction, I began to explore this for my life.  Now in my mid forties,and still struggling with a teenage daughter who had now given me a grandson and had brought major turmoil into my family, I still had the question of seminary within me.  My coach reminded me of the story of Peter and his walking on the water.  The emphasis of our conversation was not on his walking, but just the initial step out of the boat.  If this is what God wanted for me to do I would need to step out of the boat.  The story is found in Matthew’s gospel about midway in chapter fourteen.  To paraphrase it and put it into context, Jesus had just fed about five thousand people and he then sends his disciples out in a boat ahead of him as he sends the crowds away.  From there he goes to a mountain to pray and very early in the morning he comes walking out on the water to them.  they have been tossed about by waves and wind and when they see him they think that he is a ghost.  As they cry out, he calms them down by reassuring them that it is he.  He tells them not to be afraid.  Peter then speaks up and says to Jesus, Lord if it is you command me to come to you on the water.  Jesus says come, so Peter gets out of the boat and begins to walk towards Jesus.  But, he then notices the waves and the wind and becomes frightened and begins to sink.  In the process he cries out to Jesus for help.  Jesus responds and reaches out his hand to grab him and asks Peter, you of little faith why did you doubt?  They then proceed together back to the boat and the wind and the waves calm down.

     My coach’s encouragement to me was to just take the initial step and to let God continue to reveal what it was that he had for me.  I prayed a lot about it.  I spoke to my wife about it and she too felt strongly about me going.  So I applied to seminary and was accepted.

     During this time the struggles with my daughter were more intense and our neighbors no longer wanted us in the neighborhood which we had been in for almost twelve years.  It was the Christmas holidays, work was slow and my job was about to change.  With all this going on my wife and I still felt strongly that I should take the step and go.  And that the Lord would take care of it all.  we now needed to move by the new year and my job was going to change so dramatically that I decided not to stay.  No job and no place to live and I was going to seminary? It seemed crazy.  We found a new place to live and moved.  The house needed a lot of work and my rent was offset by me fixing up and remodeling the place.  At the same time I entered the winter semester and began just one class.  I had definitely stepped out of the boat and the wind and waves were there to toss me and my family about.

Picture: Sunlit Path by Peter Kaminski